How I got over the guilt of not Homeschooling my children

I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I wrote a blog, and with school starting back and seeing all the amazing back to school pictures, I just felt a strong urge to sit and write about something that I struggled with for a while and how I got past it.

I really struggled with the guilt that came along with working on my career and not having the option to home school my kids and having to drop off my most prized possessions every day and trust someone else to educate them and keep them safe in my absence; especially in the world we live in today. It really bugged me, especially coming from someone that always wanted to be a teacher from a young age so I had to sit back and really look at the full picture to change my perception.

If I am being honest, even if I didn't have a career that I have been working hard to build for 10+ years, I still don't think I would really want to home school. Nothing against anyone who decides that for their own family, I just don't think it would be the best option for ours. Yet, the guilt still set in. Especially seeing dear friends of mine that have the ability and get to home school their children and seeing and hearing about how they are able to personally cater to their own children's education and be done with school by lunch time and get to take fun field trips that my public school children may not ever have the opportunity to take and make memories that I may not ever be able to make. When that guilt set in, I started to pray and ask God to help me to be creative on feeling like I am still a part of that with my kids, even if I am not there "full-time" to teach them.

I decided from then that I would volunteer at every class party, event or field trip I could and help wherever I can and thank God I am blessed with a job that is flexible enough for me to be able to do these things.

Last school year, Liam started Kindergarten and my husband and I started following through and attending everything we could to
1. ensure Liam knew we were involved and present and
2. to be a blessing to the class

Little did I know, I would get much more out of these moments. As I would volunteer for these things I would get to know the students on a more personal level and they began to get to know who I was and we built cute little friendships. I started to see the ones who were broken, the ones who just craved attention, the quiet ones, the loud ones, the sweet ones and the ones that were full of personality.

That is when my perspective did a 180.

One girl that craved attention would light up when I would compliment her or praise her for something she did.

Another student would always tell me how pretty I was when I got there and we would talk girl talk and I would compliment how beautiful she was...and it almost filled a void I didn't realize I had not having a little girl of my own. It made my heart happy.

There were some that got emotional on those days because their parents weren't able to be there and it broke my heart, but I would try to show those students more attention and make sure they felt just as important.

From that point it hit me that for a select few of Liam's classmates, school is the safest, most loving place they will ever encounter. It may be  the only time they will receive the attention they crave or feel accepted. Some may never get the hugs or snuggles that Liam and Grayson get on a daily basis. They are wearing clothes that don't fit, not being bathed regularly or having 1-1 time with their parents. Fortunately it's not the majority, but it's still too many. They crave the love and attention they lack.

As humans we are all created to want hugs, love and attention. Every time I walked back into Liam's school, even this school year, I saw many of the students I built relationships with last year and they lit up and waved saying "hi Liam's mom" as I walked the halls and took Liam to his class and that is when it was confirmed in my heart I am doing exactly what I need to do for my family.

We do our best to create a home for our kids that is safe, happy, and full of Jesus' love as well as ensuring they feel loved by us. We are far from perfect, but we work towards it daily. So, if I am given an opportunity to share those same types of feelings, no matter how small, into the life of another child that may not get that at home, then it gives me a purpose and takes all the doubts and guilt from my heart.

Having said that, I am sure my kids hear or see things that I wouldn't approve of and they might spend more time away from me than another kid that is home schooled and I can't be there to watch their every move and put together the curriculum I would choose for them; God reminded me that He takes care of all His children, including mine when I am not there, and that if I am doing my part to fill them with the tools and knowledge to live out their lives the way God created them to when I do have them with me, then that is sufficient. And with that, I get the extra opportunities, no matter how small, to take the love and happiness we work towards building in our home to love on children who otherwise may have never crossed our paths. Even through a compliment, smile, hug, high five, or taking a minute to praise them or show them how to do something, I am proud to be a public school mom that is able to play a part as the hands and feet of Jesus and spread the love of God to those that may have never other experienced it otherwise.

Planting seeds is how I see it...and in that...the guilt left my heart for good and I found part of my purpose in my kids school life. :)

When the weight of the world is on your shoulders

I have had a pretty tough week this past week and I wanted to write about it so that is what this blog post is about today...

Last Wednesday, my husband and I were scheduled to leave for Orlando with our two boys to go on our Annual Disney Vacation and have a blast as we usually do. I had so many fun things planned and I think I was more excited than the kids were.

Monday of last week came around and my oldest, Liam,  woke up in the middle of the night with a stomach bug...I immediately started crying to my husband saying how I didn't want anyone else getting sick and how I was so looking forward to our vacation and I didn't want anything to take away from it. He told me I needed to just take a step back and pray and calm down...we were going to go on vacation no matter what...so I spent most of Monday night interceding and praying for Liam as well we the rest of us to stay well and it got me to pray some other things I felt led to pray for.

Tuesday was a normal day...Liam was weak and laid around but we were all good...same thing Wednesday...We headed to Orlando in the late afternoon and got to our hotel and decided to pick up dinner on the way in so we could have an early night in the hotel with movies and relaxing (I was feeling under the weather physically, like a cold was trying to come over me)...so we did just that. About 2am, my youngest, Grayson, woke up with the same stomach bug. I began to intercede again as I drove to the front office of the hotel to get new sheets for his bed. I was up most of the night, thinking and wondering what we were going to do as all of our plans that were paid for already were non-refundable. I woke up Thursday morning feeling like I had the flu along with a stomach bug...I felt terrible and couldn't get out of bed much. Daneil took control and helped out with everything so I could sleep it off. I slept most of the day our first day and felt so much better the next morning. I was able to get all of our Disney plans moved to the next day so we didn't miss anything. Some other plans still fell apart and I felt such an attack on our attempt at a relaxing getaway as a family and I broke down a few times since we don't get very many opportunities to do these things as a family and it was going opposite of how I had planned it to.

We didn't have the vacation we had planned, but we still got away together and got to see my parents so it was still a nice time and we made the best of it and brought memories back with us. :)

We got home late Saturday night and all fell into bed. Daneil had to be up very early Sunday so I didn't get to see him, but once I got up and started getting the boys and myself ready for the first preview service at the Chets North Campus, the attacks began again...at this point I felt so weak, so defeated and I didn't understand why everything was going wrong. Grayson was still dealing with symptoms from the stomach bug so as I walked out the door with them to get to church and help with setup, he had some stomach issues (that I will save you from details) but it ended up making me a lot later than I was needed and the mind games began...Satan started making me feel like I was a burden...that I was no help...and that I had no purpose and just needed to accept it. It was hard to ignore; I will not lie. I felt like everyone got to enjoy and partake on the satisfaction of the success of our first service and I was there to see all the benefits of the hard work put in.... and then I got quiet and I listened to Josh preach and he spoke on Influence...he even said "Ever wonder why everything around you seems to be going wrong? It's likely God placed you right in the middle of darkness to be a light" HOW AWESOME IS THAT? God speaks to us when we least expect it.

It was in that moment that I knew why I had been faced with what I have been faced with the past few days and made me reflect to see if I had responded the way I should have to those unfortunate circumstances. It completely changed my perspective and got me out of the funk I was in and I was in a different mindset where I knew I had purpose and I knew the world wasn't falling apart even if it felt like it. I just knew I needed to dust myself off...get back up and hold my head up high...reminding myself I am the daughter of the one true King and that even in the midst of the misery...He was there...and always would be. If only we could remember that always...

Not really sure the point of this post other than just to share that Christianity isn't always pretty...easy...or fun...and certainly isn't for the weak...but it is worth every moment, knowing that God and all of Heaven backs us up. So in those moments where Satan tries to whisper those lies in your ear that you aren't important, have no purpose and that everything goes wrong with you in your life...remind Him that you are a warrior and with God backing you up, you will conquer anything coming your way and will come out stronger in the end. God always takes care of His people...so in those moments; take heart and know He is Lord. :)

Thy Will be Done

I'm writing today from a very vulnerable place. A place where my heart is aching...where I have questions and not all of the answers to those questions...a place of feeling scared, confused, and unsure of what the future holds. But in this place, I couldn't stop thinking about writing...to get it out, to share my vulnerability and to maybe speak into someone else's life in hopes maybe they will be able to relate and be encouraged by my story.

As some of you may know, Daneil and I are a part of a great team of people that will soon be launching a church on the Northside of Jacksonville. In preparation for that; I've been attending a weekly class through my home church called "Purpose Driven Church" so that we know what a healthy church looks like and we can go into this church launch prepared and with ready hearts so God can begin doing what He wants to do through us.

During the first session, we were asked to go around the table at the end of the class and pray if we felt lead. After a couple of people prayed, I had that feeling where I knew I needed to pray but wasn't sure for what. I know when I feel like that I can't ignore it and although I felt intimidated, I began to pray and let God speak through me. I began to pray for all of the people that were a part of the launch team and to pray against the attacks that I knew would begin happening in the future weeks and months since I know Satan is not happy about the ground that is about to be taken over for God. I just began to pray that when those attacks came along, that we, as the launch team would begin to recognize those things, no matter how small or big, as what they are....attacks and distractions from the bigger picture. Attempts to break down the ones that he knows is about to play a part in building up a mighty team of people in the business of sharing our stories and sharing the truth of how Christ has changed and transformed our lives. I continued on that he would give us strength to endure those attacks as they came and that when they happened we would turn to God for the answers and let Him carry us through the storms.

Little did I know, I would be praying for myself in a big way. A few days ago, a big attack hit me in the way that could have easily broken me...could have easily caused me to give up, to question God and what my purpose is....and to throw away the big future He has for me and my family...

THEN....

I remembered that prayer I prayed a few weeks ago, and I felt a supernatural strength come over me...and I felt God right there with me..holding onto me and reminding me that He was there...He was not leaving me no matter how bad things could or would get. Does that mean I didn't feel the hurt, the pain the heartache or cried the tears I cried and felt weak at times? Absolutely not...but I knew that this was a possibility and I knew that God had me pray that prayer a fews weeks ago for this very moment... so it could be brought back to me these past few days and carry me through it. I have to keep my eye on the prize and not allow the plans of the enemy to try and steal away all that God has for me.

The other morning in my sadness, I decided to do what I do every morning and get up and spend time with God. I opened my devotional and it spoke directly to me and my situation and reminded me of one thing...to keep my PEACE. I was brought to 1 Peter 5:6-7 where it says "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" and in that moment, I knew everything was going to be ok. God was going to bring me out of the fire and I would one day look back on where I am in this moment and see how God's hand was on me all along.

Then, it was confirmed this morning at church. We continued with our series "Transformed" and God just continued to speak to me in my situation and show me where He was with me. Even in worship this morning I began to weep as I felt His love come upon me and overwhelm me and ensure me that He has everything in His hands and I am continually living a life where He redeems me from everything I have gone through and it doesn't stop now.

So do I feel some moments that I can't do it...that I just don't have it in me to continue on in the race...I most definitely do...but I also know I serve a really big God that is bigger than all of my problems and situations and is there for me through it all and if I keep pressing on, He will make me stronger through the hard times and it will all add to my story and help me to shine His goodness through it all.

My prayer today is from one of my favorite songs...Hillary Scott and the Scott Family - Thy Will be Done that I just shared with a friend of mine last week for her situation...but I continue to pray this over my life daily...I included the link for anyone that wants to listen and be blessed.

Until next time, please keep me in your prayers...that God would strengthen my family and I and guard us and keep us and as the song says below that His will be done...

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

https://youtu.be/Dp4WC_YZAuw

Running Back to my First Love

Well...it has been a while...3 and a half years to be exact, since I took the time to sit down and write what was on my heart. I've talked about it a few times here and there, but continued to get distracted with life and kept putting it off...but here I am; back and inspired to write again. :)

A LOT has happened in my life since my last blog. There's been lots of good times, lots of bad times, lots of hard times...I've been hurt, I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been betrayed...I've lost some of my closest friends and gained new ones...bought a car and a house and lost my job and got another one... and I've learned a lot.

The past year and a half I would say has probably been the most trying time of my life thus far. I went through a time where I lost myself and who I was in Christ and am actually just recently beginning to find myself again, which I think is a big reason I was inspired to also start writing again. Being a wife, and a mom to 2 boys keeps me busy...and it kept me so busy that I pushed other desires of my own to the side and I don't regret it. I believe there is a right time for everything and I think now that I've found myself in a good "groove" with life, it is a season for me to focus on some of the things I love to do again...so here I am!

There is so much I want to write and want to share that I could write a book right now, but instead I will focus on some of the most recent things that have been on my heart.

Through all that has gone on in my life personally in the past year and a half; I allowed myself to get into a very deep rut and honestly didn't know or feel like I had the strength mentally to pull myself out of it so I just stayed there longer than I should have and in the recent months, I have had such a strong tugging at my heart to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself and start making the decision to do something about it.

Now, I will be honest that it has been a slow transition and there were a lot of days I was all talk about the changes I wanted to make and didn't put action to it...and I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that the people that hurt me the most were people that loved God and I associated my hurt with that and subconsciously pushed God away because of it....but slowly over time I have stopped fighting what I know needed to be done and let some things and people that were distractions in my life naturally fizzle out to nothing and life has just continued to look up ever since. Not to say there haven't been attacks..because believe me when I say there DEFINITELY has been and I have shed many tears....it has not been easy at all and I have felt very lonely and afraid at times... but I took it as confirmation that I was doing something right and continued pushing forward.

I think the turning point for me was in the very recent weeks...someone very close to me; no names being mentioned because it isn't important; that has struggled with addiction for most of their life, decided to get clean. To watch that transition and to see the beauty of that person that I love enjoying life through a sober mind  really inspired me to get my life back on track again.

The biggest changes I have seen just in the past week for myself. A couple of weeks ago, I bought a Devotional that a lot of people I know have themselves... "Jesus Calling - Enjoying Peace in His Presence" by Sarah Young...to back track a bit; I had caught myself literally waking up and before my feet hit the floor I was grabbing for my phone and looking through Social Media sites to see what was new for the day. I have been wanting to disconnect from being attached to my phone so much so I challenged myself that every morning, instead of reaching for my phone, I was going to grab my devotional and begin my day with Jesus. I had heard people doing similar things over the years and how it changed them and was honestly skeptical that it would do anything for me because of how cliche it sounded...even though I know the power of God when being in His presence; I just kept fighting it...but I have to say; I've stuck to it since that day and literally feel like a new person. The only word I can think to describe it is that for the first time in a really long time I feel "ALIVE" again. I feel like I can breathe and a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. My love for Jesus has began to grow again and it feels amazing.The extreme anxiety I was tormented with on the daily and even prescribed pills for has been fading away...

Just a back story for those that may not know...I've been involved in ministry a lot over the years and always felt like I had a purpose when I was...I haven't been involved in a while due to circumstances that are not important, but it was a terrible feeling to feel "useless" in the spiritual sense.

Last November, through a series of very unfortunate events, God brought our family to Chets Creek church and since day one, God began to fling open doors for Daneil...but I still felt disconnected and wasn't sure through all of it where I would fit and be able to serve and honestly didn't know if I wanted to serve anywhere anymore but was so happy to see Daneil in his element. Then, I was reminded that I was created to serve and God had a place for me at Chets but I just needed to be ready mentally and let Him lead me.

To make a long story short; a few months ago we found out that Chets would be opening a Northside campus and Daneil was approached and asked to pray about becoming the Worship Pastor there, which those of you that know him, know this has been a desire of his for YEARS so it was very exciting. Since then there have been so many confirmations that we are right where we need to be (I'll save all those details for another blog) but we have recently began having Launch Team Meetings and last night at a Leadership Meeting we had, was the first time I felt that excitement in my Spirit again...where God just began stirring things up inside of me and showing me ways he is about to use me in the coming months through this launch and show me that I do have a place and purpose in His church and I feel that purpose again.

I know there will be days I won't "feel" it...and Satan will try to bring me back to the dark place I was in for so long...but I also know that if I continue seeking Him daily, that I will have the necessary tools to not get caught up in the lies and to continue chasing after Him and all He has for my family and I.

So, if you have been in a rut...or in a dark place...or feel sad, lonely, scared, frustrated, hurt...etc....know that you are NOT alone...Jesus is there waiting on you to lay it at His feet and to run after Him with your whole heart...I encourage you to start small...spend 5 minutes a day with Him at the start of every day...and watch your life be forever changed...

FIND YOUR FIRST LOVE AGAIN... YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT...

Don't "fall in love", "grow in love"

With Valentine's Day being everywhere this past week, I had love on my mind a lot and a couple of nights ago, I was laying in bed and started looking at areas in my own life surrounding love. One of the main areas was my marriage. I began to ask myself questions to evaluate where my heart was in my marriage and it inspired me to write about love.

Some of the questions I asked myself is...why is it, that in the beginning of a relationship, every look or glance, every touch, even a simple touch of the arm or hand from that special someone makes your heart flutter, gives you butterflies and gives you the warm and fuzzy feeling...you can't spend enough time together, you look for ways to make the other person feel special and go out of your way to do anything for them...then, through the years, life takes it's toll...we begin to take all of those things for granted and they almost sizzle out. I know this isn't true for every relationship, but when I took a step back, I realized I had become comfortable in some areas of my marriage and I was not happy about it and was ready to do something to get back to that place with the man that was made for me. 

I heard something on the radio this week that really stuck with me. This woman said we should never "fall in love" with our spouse, because then there is an option to "fall out of love". We should "grow in love" so that as we grow together as a couple, we grow more in love with each other. This struck my heart and has really challenged me in my own life!

I know there will be days where things aren't perfect and some good and some bad days...but I also know that I married the man my heart loves, the man that loves me through it all...the good and the bad...the father of my baby boy...and I need to make that marriage a priority. We have had a Launch Conference with Ken Malone this weekend and he spoke to this point as well in the service this morning and it was just such a confirmation of what God has been speaking to my heart over the past few days. Our spouses need to be priority and we don't need to take them for granted. 

So, from this day, I vow to grow in love with my husband each day...to make a point to not take him for granted...to take a step back from life and enjoy every glance, every touch, every kiss, every moment, every memory...even if I feel like I'm too "busy" in those moments...to spend less time fighting each other, and more time fighting together for what God has for us!

I love you Daneil Hinds and I thank you for always loving me, no matter what, and for growing in love with me every day for the rest of our lives :)

Timing...It is everything

I have had a couple of people ask me why I have stopped blogging or why I've been slacking on this blog challenge, so I wanted to let all my followers know my reasoning behind it to clear up any questions or confusion.

When I started this 30 day blog challenge, I had all intentions of continuing with it, but life happened. I absolutely love to write, but this time around I kept hitting a wall when I would try to write and would get so frustrated and felt like it was being portrayed in my writing as well. I had writer's block and didn't understand why, because I really wanted to stick with this challenge. I asked God to reveal to me why I was having trouble writing and he highlighted some areas in my life that had been neglected and didn't need to be and that I was trying to juggle too much at once. When I would get off of work, I would go down my list of things I needed to get done that evening and that didn't include the Wife or Mommy role that needed attention as well, but for about 2 weeks, this was a cycle and I didn't realize that I was putting a lot of things on my plate and was beginning to get overwhelmed. I am the type of person that is an "all or nothing" person. If I can't give my all to blogging, I want to put it on hold for a bit. If I see I am putting things before God, my husband and my baby...I need to take a step back, re-prioritize things in my life and get some organization back in my life...so that is where I am at this time.

Having said that, I am not done blogging forever...just putting it on hold at the moment to focus on some areas in my own life that need attention. Once I take care of myself, my relationship with God and my family, everything else will fall into place and I believe as I am obedient to God in this time by taking a step back, even from things I love, like blogging, that he will help me to get things back in order and give me the wisdom to get back into some of the things I've placed on hold and my writing will become something even better than it has been before.

So, I will take this time to say thank you for all of you that follow my posts...the messages, text messages, phone calls, comments...they all mean the world and make me feel good that I can touch people's hearts and lives through my writing...and this is not the end...it is just the beginning. God is going to birth some new vision and ideas in my heart for this blog...He has already begun to stir things up inside of me and when the time is right, I believe He is going to take this blog to a new level! So get excited with me for the things to come! :)

"I learned that we can do anything, but we can't do everything... at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them. Timing is everything."

- Dan Millman

It's the Little Things

Today has overall been a good day...sure I have been exhausted from the lack of sleep and sure there were moments it felt like a "typical Monday", but overall, I woke up alive and well with a beautiful family, a job to go to, clothes on my back and food to eat. I actually had a pretty good day at work...laughed a lot, got a lot done...got to go out with just me, myself and I after work to just enjoy being alone...sat down and had dinner with myself, shopped a little...it was just very therapeutic and refreshing. As I was out I was reminded of all of my blessings and how much I have to be thankful for...so many times we let life fly past us and before we know it, years have gone by and we spent most of it rushing it by...I try to remind myself regularly to stop and notice all of the little blessings in our every day...whether it be the smell of a good meal cooking, the beauty of a sunset, the company of good friends, laughter, love...I could go on...we have so much to be thankful for!

I decided to end off my night with firstly, completing my 7 burpees for today (getting tougher every day but still going strong), then enjoying a nice hot bubble bath while I blog and then hit the hay! Today was exactly what I needed for a little "pick me up" and the perfect jump start to a great week!

Tonight's post will be short because I need to get rest, but I will leave you all with this quote I read today:

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

Live life to it's fullest or it may feel like you died young...