Running Back to my First Love

Well...it has been a while...3 and a half years to be exact, since I took the time to sit down and write what was on my heart. I've talked about it a few times here and there, but continued to get distracted with life and kept putting it off...but here I am; back and inspired to write again. :)

A LOT has happened in my life since my last blog. There's been lots of good times, lots of bad times, lots of hard times...I've been hurt, I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been betrayed...I've lost some of my closest friends and gained new ones...bought a car and a house and lost my job and got another one... and I've learned a lot.

The past year and a half I would say has probably been the most trying time of my life thus far. I went through a time where I lost myself and who I was in Christ and am actually just recently beginning to find myself again, which I think is a big reason I was inspired to also start writing again. Being a wife, and a mom to 2 boys keeps me busy...and it kept me so busy that I pushed other desires of my own to the side and I don't regret it. I believe there is a right time for everything and I think now that I've found myself in a good "groove" with life, it is a season for me to focus on some of the things I love to do again...so here I am!

There is so much I want to write and want to share that I could write a book right now, but instead I will focus on some of the most recent things that have been on my heart.

Through all that has gone on in my life personally in the past year and a half; I allowed myself to get into a very deep rut and honestly didn't know or feel like I had the strength mentally to pull myself out of it so I just stayed there longer than I should have and in the recent months, I have had such a strong tugging at my heart to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself and start making the decision to do something about it.

Now, I will be honest that it has been a slow transition and there were a lot of days I was all talk about the changes I wanted to make and didn't put action to it...and I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that the people that hurt me the most were people that loved God and I associated my hurt with that and subconsciously pushed God away because of it....but slowly over time I have stopped fighting what I know needed to be done and let some things and people that were distractions in my life naturally fizzle out to nothing and life has just continued to look up ever since. Not to say there haven't been attacks..because believe me when I say there DEFINITELY has been and I have shed many tears....it has not been easy at all and I have felt very lonely and afraid at times... but I took it as confirmation that I was doing something right and continued pushing forward.

I think the turning point for me was in the very recent weeks...someone very close to me; no names being mentioned because it isn't important; that has struggled with addiction for most of their life, decided to get clean. To watch that transition and to see the beauty of that person that I love enjoying life through a sober mind  really inspired me to get my life back on track again.

The biggest changes I have seen just in the past week for myself. A couple of weeks ago, I bought a Devotional that a lot of people I know have themselves... "Jesus Calling - Enjoying Peace in His Presence" by Sarah Young...to back track a bit; I had caught myself literally waking up and before my feet hit the floor I was grabbing for my phone and looking through Social Media sites to see what was new for the day. I have been wanting to disconnect from being attached to my phone so much so I challenged myself that every morning, instead of reaching for my phone, I was going to grab my devotional and begin my day with Jesus. I had heard people doing similar things over the years and how it changed them and was honestly skeptical that it would do anything for me because of how cliche it sounded...even though I know the power of God when being in His presence; I just kept fighting it...but I have to say; I've stuck to it since that day and literally feel like a new person. The only word I can think to describe it is that for the first time in a really long time I feel "ALIVE" again. I feel like I can breathe and a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. My love for Jesus has began to grow again and it feels amazing.The extreme anxiety I was tormented with on the daily and even prescribed pills for has been fading away...

Just a back story for those that may not know...I've been involved in ministry a lot over the years and always felt like I had a purpose when I was...I haven't been involved in a while due to circumstances that are not important, but it was a terrible feeling to feel "useless" in the spiritual sense.

Last November, through a series of very unfortunate events, God brought our family to Chets Creek church and since day one, God began to fling open doors for Daneil...but I still felt disconnected and wasn't sure through all of it where I would fit and be able to serve and honestly didn't know if I wanted to serve anywhere anymore but was so happy to see Daneil in his element. Then, I was reminded that I was created to serve and God had a place for me at Chets but I just needed to be ready mentally and let Him lead me.

To make a long story short; a few months ago we found out that Chets would be opening a Northside campus and Daneil was approached and asked to pray about becoming the Worship Pastor there, which those of you that know him, know this has been a desire of his for YEARS so it was very exciting. Since then there have been so many confirmations that we are right where we need to be (I'll save all those details for another blog) but we have recently began having Launch Team Meetings and last night at a Leadership Meeting we had, was the first time I felt that excitement in my Spirit again...where God just began stirring things up inside of me and showing me ways he is about to use me in the coming months through this launch and show me that I do have a place and purpose in His church and I feel that purpose again.

I know there will be days I won't "feel" it...and Satan will try to bring me back to the dark place I was in for so long...but I also know that if I continue seeking Him daily, that I will have the necessary tools to not get caught up in the lies and to continue chasing after Him and all He has for my family and I.

So, if you have been in a rut...or in a dark place...or feel sad, lonely, scared, frustrated, hurt...etc....know that you are NOT alone...Jesus is there waiting on you to lay it at His feet and to run after Him with your whole heart...I encourage you to start small...spend 5 minutes a day with Him at the start of every day...and watch your life be forever changed...

FIND YOUR FIRST LOVE AGAIN... YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT...