I'm writing today from a very vulnerable place. A place where my heart is aching...where I have questions and not all of the answers to those questions...a place of feeling scared, confused, and unsure of what the future holds. But in this place, I couldn't stop thinking about writing...to get it out, to share my vulnerability and to maybe speak into someone else's life in hopes maybe they will be able to relate and be encouraged by my story.
As some of you may know, Daneil and I are a part of a great team of people that will soon be launching a church on the Northside of Jacksonville. In preparation for that; I've been attending a weekly class through my home church called "Purpose Driven Church" so that we know what a healthy church looks like and we can go into this church launch prepared and with ready hearts so God can begin doing what He wants to do through us.
During the first session, we were asked to go around the table at the end of the class and pray if we felt lead. After a couple of people prayed, I had that feeling where I knew I needed to pray but wasn't sure for what. I know when I feel like that I can't ignore it and although I felt intimidated, I began to pray and let God speak through me. I began to pray for all of the people that were a part of the launch team and to pray against the attacks that I knew would begin happening in the future weeks and months since I know Satan is not happy about the ground that is about to be taken over for God. I just began to pray that when those attacks came along, that we, as the launch team would begin to recognize those things, no matter how small or big, as what they are....attacks and distractions from the bigger picture. Attempts to break down the ones that he knows is about to play a part in building up a mighty team of people in the business of sharing our stories and sharing the truth of how Christ has changed and transformed our lives. I continued on that he would give us strength to endure those attacks as they came and that when they happened we would turn to God for the answers and let Him carry us through the storms.
Little did I know, I would be praying for myself in a big way. A few days ago, a big attack hit me in the way that could have easily broken me...could have easily caused me to give up, to question God and what my purpose is....and to throw away the big future He has for me and my family...
THEN....
I remembered that prayer I prayed a few weeks ago, and I felt a supernatural strength come over me...and I felt God right there with me..holding onto me and reminding me that He was there...He was not leaving me no matter how bad things could or would get. Does that mean I didn't feel the hurt, the pain the heartache or cried the tears I cried and felt weak at times? Absolutely not...but I knew that this was a possibility and I knew that God had me pray that prayer a fews weeks ago for this very moment... so it could be brought back to me these past few days and carry me through it. I have to keep my eye on the prize and not allow the plans of the enemy to try and steal away all that God has for me.
The other morning in my sadness, I decided to do what I do every morning and get up and spend time with God. I opened my devotional and it spoke directly to me and my situation and reminded me of one thing...to keep my PEACE. I was brought to 1 Peter 5:6-7 where it says "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" and in that moment, I knew everything was going to be ok. God was going to bring me out of the fire and I would one day look back on where I am in this moment and see how God's hand was on me all along.
Then, it was confirmed this morning at church. We continued with our series "Transformed" and God just continued to speak to me in my situation and show me where He was with me. Even in worship this morning I began to weep as I felt His love come upon me and overwhelm me and ensure me that He has everything in His hands and I am continually living a life where He redeems me from everything I have gone through and it doesn't stop now.
So do I feel some moments that I can't do it...that I just don't have it in me to continue on in the race...I most definitely do...but I also know I serve a really big God that is bigger than all of my problems and situations and is there for me through it all and if I keep pressing on, He will make me stronger through the hard times and it will all add to my story and help me to shine His goodness through it all.
My prayer today is from one of my favorite songs...Hillary Scott and the Scott Family - Thy Will be Done that I just shared with a friend of mine last week for her situation...but I continue to pray this over my life daily...I included the link for anyone that wants to listen and be blessed.
Until next time, please keep me in your prayers...that God would strengthen my family and I and guard us and keep us and as the song says below that His will be done...
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
https://youtu.be/Dp4WC_YZAuw
