How I got over the guilt of not Homeschooling my children

I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I wrote a blog, and with school starting back and seeing all the amazing back to school pictures, I just felt a strong urge to sit and write about something that I struggled with for a while and how I got past it.

I really struggled with the guilt that came along with working on my career and not having the option to home school my kids and having to drop off my most prized possessions every day and trust someone else to educate them and keep them safe in my absence; especially in the world we live in today. It really bugged me, especially coming from someone that always wanted to be a teacher from a young age so I had to sit back and really look at the full picture to change my perception.

If I am being honest, even if I didn't have a career that I have been working hard to build for 10+ years, I still don't think I would really want to home school. Nothing against anyone who decides that for their own family, I just don't think it would be the best option for ours. Yet, the guilt still set in. Especially seeing dear friends of mine that have the ability and get to home school their children and seeing and hearing about how they are able to personally cater to their own children's education and be done with school by lunch time and get to take fun field trips that my public school children may not ever have the opportunity to take and make memories that I may not ever be able to make. When that guilt set in, I started to pray and ask God to help me to be creative on feeling like I am still a part of that with my kids, even if I am not there "full-time" to teach them.

I decided from then that I would volunteer at every class party, event or field trip I could and help wherever I can and thank God I am blessed with a job that is flexible enough for me to be able to do these things.

Last school year, Liam started Kindergarten and my husband and I started following through and attending everything we could to
1. ensure Liam knew we were involved and present and
2. to be a blessing to the class

Little did I know, I would get much more out of these moments. As I would volunteer for these things I would get to know the students on a more personal level and they began to get to know who I was and we built cute little friendships. I started to see the ones who were broken, the ones who just craved attention, the quiet ones, the loud ones, the sweet ones and the ones that were full of personality.

That is when my perspective did a 180.

One girl that craved attention would light up when I would compliment her or praise her for something she did.

Another student would always tell me how pretty I was when I got there and we would talk girl talk and I would compliment how beautiful she was...and it almost filled a void I didn't realize I had not having a little girl of my own. It made my heart happy.

There were some that got emotional on those days because their parents weren't able to be there and it broke my heart, but I would try to show those students more attention and make sure they felt just as important.

From that point it hit me that for a select few of Liam's classmates, school is the safest, most loving place they will ever encounter. It may be  the only time they will receive the attention they crave or feel accepted. Some may never get the hugs or snuggles that Liam and Grayson get on a daily basis. They are wearing clothes that don't fit, not being bathed regularly or having 1-1 time with their parents. Fortunately it's not the majority, but it's still too many. They crave the love and attention they lack.

As humans we are all created to want hugs, love and attention. Every time I walked back into Liam's school, even this school year, I saw many of the students I built relationships with last year and they lit up and waved saying "hi Liam's mom" as I walked the halls and took Liam to his class and that is when it was confirmed in my heart I am doing exactly what I need to do for my family.

We do our best to create a home for our kids that is safe, happy, and full of Jesus' love as well as ensuring they feel loved by us. We are far from perfect, but we work towards it daily. So, if I am given an opportunity to share those same types of feelings, no matter how small, into the life of another child that may not get that at home, then it gives me a purpose and takes all the doubts and guilt from my heart.

Having said that, I am sure my kids hear or see things that I wouldn't approve of and they might spend more time away from me than another kid that is home schooled and I can't be there to watch their every move and put together the curriculum I would choose for them; God reminded me that He takes care of all His children, including mine when I am not there, and that if I am doing my part to fill them with the tools and knowledge to live out their lives the way God created them to when I do have them with me, then that is sufficient. And with that, I get the extra opportunities, no matter how small, to take the love and happiness we work towards building in our home to love on children who otherwise may have never crossed our paths. Even through a compliment, smile, hug, high five, or taking a minute to praise them or show them how to do something, I am proud to be a public school mom that is able to play a part as the hands and feet of Jesus and spread the love of God to those that may have never other experienced it otherwise.

Planting seeds is how I see it...and in that...the guilt left my heart for good and I found part of my purpose in my kids school life. :)